Gone Forever
by tjmack
Summary: Set during New Moon. Edward's gone, and Bella tries to turn to her friend Jacob, but what happens when Jacob becomes distant, and aggressive?
1. Chapter 1

Gone Forever

Summary: Set during New Moon. Edward's gone, and Bella tries to turn to her friend Jacob, but what happens when Jacob becomes distant, and aggressive?

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Preface

I looked at him longingly. My body was battered and broken, as was my heart. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven, as an angel, my angel stood in front of me. His face was that of dreariness and pain, and I knew that he blamed himself. I was a broken and shattered person, and he blamed himself. His voice had held a rough edge, didn't he understand that I was indeed alive. Even if a big part of me wished that I had died?

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Chapter One

Time. It's inevitable. It moves, whether you give it permission to do so, or not. Time is a part of everyday life. Time heals all wounds. Right now, time is my pain. Right this second, I really hate time. Part of me wishes that I could have stopped counting. That maybe time would have stopped the moment he walked away from me. It didn't however, and now it refuses to heal my broken heart.

It has been four months, six days, and eleven hours since he left me all alone in the woods behind my house. I often wonder where he is, what he's doing and if he misses me. That, however, is when the tears start again, as the massive hole in my chest swells even bigger, and feels like it might swallow me whole.

Charlie's been worried, and I can't say that I blame him. While I can't really say that I'm not suicidal, I also can't deny that the thought hasn't popped into my mind a few times. I do quickly push those thoughts away. Even with how inviting it sounds to end this pain forever, I could never do that to Charlie and Renee. I could never make them feel the pain that I'm currently going through.

So for that reason, and that reason only, I make myself seem half-way normal. At least as normal as I can. I drag along, and I don't really talk to anyone, unless they address me specifically. I don't really have anything to say, or well, not anything that won't depress someone as much as I am at this moment. So I keep my thoughts to myself, and I just sit there. I probably resemble a zombie, or worse, but I really don't care. I have no reason to make myself 'presentable.' Hell I wouldn't go to school if Charlie hadn't threatened to ship me off to Jacksonville.

I know, I'm crazy right? Who wouldn't jump at that chance? Jacksonville or Forks, and I pick Forks. I must have lost my mind, when I lost _him._ It has become _slightly_, and I use that word lightly, easier since I've found friendship with Jacob. He knows enough to not mention _him_, or any of them to be frank. I must say though, in the past four months, I haven't so much as uttered his name, afraid that it would send me into so much hysterics that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out.

"Bells, Jacob's here," Charlie called from the stairs.

I can't say that Charlie is anything but ecstatic that I found Jacob. I'm almost certain that he thought I would have done something stupid to myself by now if I hadn't.

"Coming," I called, as I slipped on my jacket, and bounded down the stairs.

I can honestly say that I've found I've had more energy since I've been hanging out with Jacob, and he really is a great friend.

"Hey Bella, you look nice," he smiled my favorite grin.

"Thanks Jake, you look nice too," I smiled a little at him, as I grabbed my key before yelling over my shoulder to Charlie. "I'll be back late dad, we're gonna catch a movie too."

Before he could answer, I was out the door. No need for him to tell me otherwise, I knew he wouldn't care, he loved that I was spending so much time with Jacob. That and he was glad that I was no longer locking myself in my room, and crying for hours at a time. Although, even if it has been '_easier_', I still have nightmares. The kind that wake you up in a pool of cold sweat, and have you screaming bloody murder. Yeah, Charlie just loves those. Although he has become used to them, and has stopped coming to check on me. That first night though, was difficult for both of us. I think, he thought that I was really starting to lose it, like really lose it.

"So, what do you wanna do before we go to the movie?" Jacob asked, as he reached down for my hand.

This was something that, while I wasn't exactly happy that he had picked up, I wasn't about to tell him to quit. Afraid to lose my one and only thing keeping me somewhat sane.

"Uh---I don't really know. What do you want to do?" I asked him, looking up at him.

I swear he had grown at least another three inches since I had seen him the weekend before. It was really starting to worry me, he was a towering giant now.

"Well I still have some work to do on my car, if you don't mind?" he asked.

I smiled quickly, not really caring how he kept my attention from going back to _him._ "That's fine Jake. I'll be excited when you finally finish it." I added for good measure. Not that I was lying, I was just being a little too enthusiastic about it.

"Me too Bella, it'll be great!" he grinned at me.

In these moments I felt almost normal. Almost like there wasn't a giant sucking wound were my heart used to be. Like, I hadn't really lost my heart. It was all an illusion though, this I knew. As soon as Jake would leave me alone, that wound would open back up, twice it's size, and pull me back into despair.

"Your being awful quiet," he pointed out.

'Great,' I said to myself, as I tried to force a smile on my lips. I could, however, feel it tangle up into a half grimace and half smile.

"It'll get better Bella," Jake said, his tone was soft and caring, as he gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks Jake. I'm glad we're friends," I added, and gave him a real smile. My first real smile in four months.

"I've missed that," he quickly pointed out.

I knew where this conversation would lead. It didn't happen often, as he usually tried to stray away from anything that would lead to talking about _him _or _them._ I tried to keep the grimace from my face, before turning to face him.

"It's just been hard. It's still really hard Jake," was all I would say on the topic. This he knew, but in these instances, he would always push for me. All he knew about the topic was that _he_ had said goodbye, and left me all alone just inside the woods behind my house. That I tried to run after _him_, but couldn't catch up. After I fell for the fifth time, and could no longer see, _or breathe_, although that part was only known to me. I laid on the dirt and mud, and cried myself to sleep. I wasn't found till late the next night.

"That's what you always say Bella. You never say anything else. All I know is what my dad told me. The only person that really knows what happened that night is you Bella, and you won't feel better till you get that off your chest," he said finally, a bit of edge to his voice, and jumped slightly.

"It's none of your business Jake," I bit back, immediately regretting that.

"Yeah, your right. It's not, I mean, it's not like we're friends or anything," he bit back, dropping his hand from mine, before stopping on his heel and turning to face me. "Ya know Bella, I'm not sure if this is a good idea. You and me, friends. If your just going to keep up this whole 'I'm fine, but I refuse to let anyone in' persona, then I give up. I'm sorry Bella, but I can't be a replacement Edward."

I stared at him, fire in my eyes. He knew he crossed a line, I could see it from the why his expression changed. I saw his mouth getting ready to move, to try to apologize, but I wasn't having any of that. Not today.

"Screw you Jake. If you can't take me the way I am. Broken and shattered. Then your right, this is a bad idea. I was just hoping that given time to heal, that you might be able to pull me out of this massive hole that I've been stuck in. I just need someone to keep faith that I'll pull myself out, that I'll be able to be Bella again. I really like hanging out with you Jake, I do. I never once thought of you as a replacement for _him_, quite frankly, and no offense, but no one could replace _him. _No one will ever take _his_ place in my heart. You knew how screwed up I was when we started hanging out Jake. If you want out, then by all means.."I paused gesturing with my hands. "But if you think that you can handle being friends with someone so badly screwed up, that everyone alienates themselves from her, then you can give me a call."

With that I turned on my heel, and started back toward the house. I couldn't, and I wouldn't deal with his attitude today. I didn't get far, as I felt his warm, large hand grab my wrist and pull me back toward him.

"Good speech buddy," he grinned at me, and I was starting to think that he was bi-polar, or had some other psychological problem.

"Uh---" was all I can manage.

"I just, I needed to see some sort of life in you. It gets depressing after a while to look at you this way. No offense Bells, but you kind of resemble a zombie....no wait, zombies even look more alive then you do," he joked.

I sighed, leave it to Jake to pick a fight with me, just to piss me off. I shook my head, trying to calm myself down, as we started walking again. I felt his warm hand in mine again, and I felt my body relax, even if only a bit.

"I'm sorry Jake. I'll try and work on that," I finally said, and watched as his face slipped into a huge grin. My favorite grin, I must add.

"Okay, lets get to my place, before I have no time to work on my car," he pretended to pout. "Unless you don't wanna hang out with me, of course."

This always happened, after our pretend fights, he'd always play the wounded puppy card, and I always fell for it. I was a sucker for his puppy dog eyes, which I must add he had perfected.

"Of course I wanna hang out with you," I rolled my eyes.

What else would I do? Wallow in self pity? Oh the fun that would be. I jumped into the front seat of my truck, and Jacob climbed into the passenger side seat. It was only know that I started to realize that, and this had only been lately, that heat literally radiated from my very tall, scrawny friend.

"Are you coming down with something?" I finally asked, we were out of the driveway, and quickly, well as quickly as my beat up old truck would go, on our way to La Push.

"Uh---No, I feel fine, why?" he asked, one of his eyebrows raised slightly.

"I can literally feel heat radiating off of you," I pointed out.

"I guess I'm just warm-blooded," he pointed out.

"I suppose," I said, giving in and dropping the topic, for now.

The rest of the car ride was silent. Not one of my favorite things. Silence meant that my mind had free time to roam, and it liked to roam in directions that usually left me feeling more dead than alive, and today was not a good day to feel like that. Jacob finally picked up on my unease, as we pulled into the town limits of La Push.

"So Bells, are you gonna help me this time, or just watch?" he asked, knowing the answer to his question.

"What do _you_ think Jake?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow, although thankful that he finally broke the silence before my mind went to places that would make me completely useless the rest of the day.

"Your gonna watch, wouldn't want you to hurt yourself," he said, his tone was joking, but I saw the grimace on his face.

The last time I tried to help Jacob work on his car, it ended with a trip to the emergency room. Although technically a lot of 'physical' things ended with me injured in one way or another. This was one of the worse though, and my arm was gushing quite a bit of blood. Not a fun thing considering my weak stomach when it comes to blood.

"Yeah, I agree. Not that helping you out isn't fun, I just don't think my stomach could handle another gash like that," I said, my stomach feeling queasy at the thought.

I pulled my loud truck into his driveway, and put it park before yanking out the keys and following him toward the garage in back. I smiled as I saw that he had beaten me around the side of the house and was already under the hood working quickly. Today was going to be a good day, I could tell. For the first time in four months I didn't feel the doom and gloom that usually overshadowed me, and I was hoping that this would be my first step out of the dark shadow that _he_ had left me in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part or well about half of this chapter just kind of wrote itself in my head today, so I went with it. I had part of the chapter written already, so I just kind of added more too it. I hope you all enjoy it. **

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Chapter Two

Sitting in Jacob's garage, sucking back a warm soda. Made me feel, almost normal. I say almost because that gaping hole in my chest? It's still there, and I know that one wrong word will open it up larger than it already is. So instead, I let Jake talk cars, and I try to pretend that I'm listening. He knows better than to wait for me to say anything on that topic. I know cars about as well as I know how to not fall down. Had I not been in pain, I might have laughed at that thought. As it seems though, every laugh, every chuckle, every smile. I have to work for, I have to almost earn them, because if I don't. Then my already wounded chest will ache more throughly, and that's a pain that I can't handle. Not now, not when I'm almost feeling normal. Almost feeling like I might have a place I belong. My friends at school, they already gave up on me. Not that I can blame them, I haven't exactly been a 'social butterfly.' Although, I never really was much of a talker before, but when your having a conversation with someone, and all you can get out of them is either one syllable answers or even worse than that, a moan or groan. It's not really worth having a conversation. So on that front, I don't blame them. I don't, however, like the look they give me. The ones that make me feel like maybe I have gone a little crazy.

Although don't I have a perfectly good reason to go a little crazy? To lose a little bit of my mind? Haven't I earned it? _He_ left me. _He _Doesn't want me, and I wonder if _he_ ever did. I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, I know I'll pay for it later. When I'm alone, trying to sleep, it'll creep back up on me, and rip open my already sore and aching wounded chest.

"Bella," Jacob's voice bore into my thoughts, pulling me from them altogether.

"Yeah," I answered, like I hadn't just been in a world all of my own.

"Where were you?" he asked, my favorite grin plastered on his face.

'Damn,' I say to myself before I answer him. "Somewhere I shouldn't be."

It came out more of a mumble than anything else. Part of me hoped he hadn't heard what I said. Gaging his facial expression though, I knew he had.

"Let me tell you something Bells. If _**he**_ comes back..." his sentence trailed off.

I could feel the anger bubbling up inside. I tried to pound it back into place, I really didn't want to alienate the only friend I had, but sometimes he didn't think before he spoke.

"Look Bells, I'm sorry. I know that is a sensitive subject for you. My opinion though, is that _**he**_ doesn't deserve you. _**He's**_ not good enough, not if _**he's**_ going to leave you the way _**he**_ did," he said, and I could feel the truth behind his words. I also knew who he thought I should be with.

"Jake, I still love _him_. I know that I shouldn't, I know that _he _doesn't love me anymore, but I do. It really upsets me when you talk about _him_ that way," I pointed out.

He sighed softly, before wrapping his long, lanky arms around my waist. "Just know Bella, I'll always be here for you."

He placed a kiss on my forehead and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Jacob was a great friend, and I loved him in that way only. I had known for a while that his feelings where slightly more than just friendship. I knew I should have stopped it before it got to far out of hand, but I didn't want to push him away. Sighing, I shrugged away from his embrace, and had to face his sullen eyes. My heart, which was already in about as many pieces as I thought was possible, broke even more.

"I'm sorry Jake.."

"S'okay Bells, I knew what I was getting when I started hanging out with you. I guess I'm just hoping that one day.." he trailed off, not even feeling the need to finish his sentence.

"To be completely honest Jake. I don't know if my heart will ever be capable of loving someone like that again. I don't want to hurt you Jake, your my best friend. I just, I can't not spend time with you, but I don't want to lead you along thinking that I feel the same way, because I don't. Maybe your right, maybe given time I'll be able to feel the same way as you do. I just needed you to know," I bit my lip relentlessly as I spoke. I could feel the massive hole in my chest getting bigger. Without a second thought, I wrapped my arms around my torso, feeling like I might just fall apart if I let go.

"Bella, are you okay?" worry lacing his voice. I could feel his warm hands on my back, rubbing soothing circles.

"It just..." and that was all it took. The floodgates opened up, and I found myself curled up on the cement floor of his garage. Tears were streaming quickly down my cheeks, and I could feel my body shaking violently as the sobs racked through me.

"Bella please, talk to me," Jacob was pleading now, and muttering something I couldn't quite understand under his breath.

"It hurts," I was finally able to mumble in between sobs. "It hurts all the time. I just want the pain to go away."

I felt as he sat down next to my shaking body, his arms wrapping around me, and pulled me into his lap, as I cried into his chest. His body was next to mine, and I started to wonder if maybe I wasn't really a zombie, like he said that I resembled. I felt my shaking body slowly start to relax, as Jacob whispered in my ear.

"I'm so sorry Jake. I didn't mean for this to happen. To drag you down with me. I try to keep it all bottled up until I'm alone. It's just...when you talk about _him.._" I paused as I gaged his reaction to the acidic tone my voice took when I said those words. His face was clearly shocked. Maybe I was getting over _him_, maybe time is doing it's job. Maybe I just need to be patient just a while longer.

"Bella, I should be the one apologizing. I know better than to mention _**him.**_ I know what that does to you, and how it upsets you. I see you grabbing your upper body like that all the time. I always want to ask if your okay, but I figure it'll just upset you. I just, I want you to be happy Bells. I don't want you to hurt anymore," Jacob said, as he carefully placed a strand of my loose hair behind my ear.

I felt safe and secure in his arms. His warm body felt like a fortress, and that no one, or nothing could penetrate it. I liked this feeling, and it almost made me feel like I should just throw all caution to the wind. To just say the words that maybe at this moment weren't true, but in the future they could be. Maybe I could love Jacob Black. Shaking my head back and forth, trying to knock those thoughts out of my mind. I couldn't do that to him. What if I never felt those feelings for him? What if I was never fully healed. He deserved to be happy, and I know that a broken and shattered person like me, could never make him happy. How could I? My thoughts constantly went back to _him_. _He_ would always have my heart. _He _stole it, and when _he_ left, it went with _him._

"I know Jake, and I love you for that. I want to be happy too Jake, but I don't see that happening. Not anytime soon. If you don't think you can deal with that---with me. With how broken I am, that's okay. I wouldn't blame you. I'm just so sorry that I drug you into my problems--" he put up two fingers to cut me off.

"Don't. Of course I can deal with you. Broken or not. Your my best friend Bella, nothing and no one will take that away from us. I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed on to be your friend. I know that you don't feel the same, and that there's a good chance you never will. I can live with that, I have too. I can't, not have you in my life, pain or no pain," there it was, my favorite grin.

I felt the weariness and sadness lift once again, and for the second time today I felt almost normal. I would just have to keep my thoughts under control better than I have been. I have to try harder, for Jacob. It's only fair that he have an actual person to talk to, more so than just the 'zombie' version.

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**Later That Night**

I shuttered and screamed and then I was awake. It was the same nightmare that I've had every night since _he_ left. I stood in _his_ meadow, and I just wondered around. Searching, and trying my hardest to find something. No matter how badly I want out of the dream, I know that I can't wake up until I hit the point. That's what I call it. The point of no return is kind of what it is. The point where I figure out that I have no idea what I'm looking for. That I don't know what I am even doing there. That is when I wake up screaming. Charlie used to come and check on me. I guess more afraid that someone was trying to strangle me, or something like that. Not so much anymore. I guess he's gotten used to the blood curdling screams.

I sit up in bed, knowing that I won't go back to sleep. Even if I did want to, I wouldn't be able to. I'd end up in the same exact place that I was at before I woke up. I've done that before. Went back to sleep after waking up like this. I'd wake up every hour on the hour until my alarm went off. I glance at the clock. I have to get up in three hours for school. Might as well get a head start, or well better yet. Try and figure out my next math lesson. I swear Mr. Mason thinks that his teaching is like a god-given talent. What with me now holding a low A in his class. I push back my blankets, and swing my feet over the edge of my bed. Not noticing what I was doing, I felt something wet under my feet. I thought I heard a voice, someone say something. It almost sounded like _his_ voice. "_Careful Bella, careful my love." _

I was distracted, and I took an unsteady step forward, and the next thing I knew my world went black.

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**Special Shout-Out Thanks to: **

**Amanda A**

**ReLees**

**For the Kind Reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Purgatory. Hell. Bottomless Pit. Endless Pain. Whatever you want to call it, that's where I am. Just past the realization of what happened. I'm not sure how long it's really been. I just know that I've been aware for a few hours now, or so it seems like it's been. I've yet to open my eyes, afraid of the questions that I know Charlie will ask. So instead, I lay here, lost in my thoughts. Not a smart idea either. I can feel my wounded chest burn at the edges, raw and sore. I was aware enough to know what was going on. Like, where I was at. Unfortunately, where I was at, was a hospital. The smell alone, gave away that fact. That and the uncomfortable thing that they try to pass off as bed. I could also tell, mostly from the pounding headache that was streaking through-out my head, that I had hit my head. I remember falling, or well slipping, I suppose is the correct term. That, however, was the last thing I remember.

"Come on Bells. Wake up for me."

That's the fifth time in, what I seem to want to think, is an hour's time that he's asked me that. I'm starting to get annoyed. I still, however, am not really to answer the millions of questions I know he's going to ask. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can answer them. Sighing, I give up and open my eyes.

"Oh thank god. Bella, the doctor said that you have a serious head concussion. What happened?" he asked, I knew that would be the first question. Even I don't really know what happened.

"I fell?" My tone was a little too sarcastic for him, as his 'happy-I'm-awake-smile,' quickly vanished and was replaced with the 'why-do-you-have-to-act-like-that-frown.'

"I know that Bella, but why were you out of bed?" he asked, as I tried to forgot the dream that woke me from my less than peaceful sleep.

"Nightmare. School." I said pointedly.

"You do understand, that it was a Sunday Bella," he said quickly, and I could see the assumptions on his face, as I knew that mine held a look of shock.

"No! It was Monday. I had school." my voice was much louder than it needed to be, as I tried to make him realize something that I suddenly realized wasn't' true.

"Bella, I think---you should go to Jacksonville. You should go live with your mom," he said quickly.

I shook my head furiously back and forth. My heart started to race, and one of the many machines I was hooked to, started to beep loudly along with my heart.

"Okay—calm down, Bella, calm down," his voice raising, as I realized that I couldn't breathe properly anymore.

"Excuse me, Chief Swan, but we need to sedate her. Her heart rate is far too high," a young looking nurse, said as she walked into my room, and knelt over me. I watched, my eyes wide as she pulled out a large syringe, and poked the long needle into my I.V. I felt my eyelids drooping almost immediately. "She needs her rest. The doctor will come check on her in a few hours, she should be awake by then," was the last thing I heard.

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**The Next Morning**

I woke up, feeling as if I had slept for days. Quite frankly, as far as I knew, that could very well be the truth. I looked around my surroundings and realized I was no longer in the hospital. I was no longer hooked up to a bunch of different machines. I was in the comfortable confides of my house, my room. Sighing, I realized that I wasn't alone in my room. Almost hoping that it was the one person, the only person, that I wanted to see. I realized quickly that it wasn't.

"Hey Bells, how you feeling?" Jacob asked, as he came to set on the edge of my bed.

"Like I fell and busted my head," my voice was slightly sarcastic, the light shining through my window was causing the pain in my head to grow steadily worse.

"Can I get you something?" he asked me, and I sighed. I wasn't angry with Jacob. I wasn't even angry with Charlie. No, there was only one person I was angry with, but _**he**_ wasn't here for me to yell at.

"Some aspirin would be fantastic," I sighed, as I turned on my side, facing away from the light shining through my open window.

"Okay, I'll run downstairs and grab some, just let me," his voice trailed off, as he rushed over to the window, closing the blinds that I hadn't had a need to use since I had arrived in Forks. With that he disappeared out of my room.

Alone, finally. That, however, was apparently a recipe for disaster, as the tears started to fall almost automatically. I shook violently as the tears slid down my cheeks, leaving a hot wet path in their wake. I felt like my life was falling apart all over again. Life couldn't really be this hard could it? It couldn't be that hard to get over another person could it? I could get past this, I had my dad, and I had Jacob, I'd be fine.

"Hey," his almost cheery voice called from the hallway. "Wait, why are you crying?" his voice taking on a worried tone.

"Life-----sucks," I mumbled in between sobs.

"Look, you fell and hit your head. It's not the most fun in the world, but it's that bad," he said, and I knew he was trying to cheer me up. That however, was the opposite of what he was doing.

"You know why I'm a miserable mess. You know what's wrong with me. Why I am so beyond broken that I'm lucky if the pieces can be glued back together. It's all _his_ fault," my voice held such an acidic tone to it, that Jacob actually flinched at my words. "But then again, here I am, blubbering over _him._ I know that if _he_ ever comes back, I'd take _him_ back, just like that. How horrible is that? How pathetic does that make me Jake?"

He didn't do anything but stare at me for the longest time. Suddenly, he sat two advils on my nightstand, before jumping to his feet.

"I've gotta go," was all he said, as he all but ran to my bedroom door.

"Where are you going!? Jake!" I yelled after him, but he was already gone.

I flung my head back against the pillow, grimacing slightly, and cursing under my breath. I reached blindly toward my nightstand. Finally finding the only thing that stood between me and ending my head pain. I tighten my fist around the two small pills, sat up only slightly and slipped the two pills into my mouth, before grabbing the small glass of water. Pushing it to my chapped and dry lips, and felt as the liquid and pills burn my dry, sore throat all the way down.

"Damn life!" I yelled, as I laid my head back down, turning on my side, and tried to shut my eyes, willing the nightmares to stay at bay, just one more night.

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**Special Shout-out Thanks to:**

**Relees**

**Amanda**

**For the kind reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

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**

Okay, I know this chapter is a tad on the short side, but I was having some difficulties writing it.

Chapter Four

Agony. It was worse than hell itself. I had no one. Okay well technically that wasn't true. I still had Charlie, and I still had Renee. Though, they don't count right now. Right now, the only people that count are Jacob and _him._ Both of them left me. Not that I can blame them. I never fully understood why _he _was with me in the first place. As far as Jacob was concerned. Could I really blame him for ditching the crazy person? No, I couldn't. I probably would have done the same in his position.

It still hurts though. Every time I call his house, and Billy makes some excuse or another as to why Jake can't talk to me. I wish he would just tell me straight up that he doesn't wanna hang around some psycho whose so hung up on their _ex-boyfriend_ that it's driven them, literally crazy. That would make me feel a little better. Well, maybe not, but at least then he wouldn't be dodging my calls. That just makes it worse. Makes me feel worse. He promised he'd never hurt me like that, but he did.

Sitting here, crying over the both of them isn't going to solve anything. Not when it feels like my entire world is crashing down around me. Not when it feels like there isn't anything I can do to stop it. No, what I need is to confront Jake. To look him in the eye and let him see the pain he caused. I might have hurt him, what with my constant 'Woo is me' bullshit that I've been shoveling. This though, what's he's doing to me, is worse. At least he knew what the hell my problem was.

Sighing, I fling my legs over the side of the bed, and stand up. I've still been having headaches, and I've had quite a few dizzy spells. Charlie insisted that I not drive until I could stand on my own two feet without tetering, but what Charlie doesn't know won't kill him. Slowly, I shuffle down the stairs. Stopping momentiarly at the fridge to grab a bottle of water, before snatching up my keys and heading out the door.

* * *

I park my noisy truck against the curb. I sit in the cab for a moment, trying to think of the words I want to say to him. Trying to find some way to keep him as my friend. Sighing heavily, I leap from the truck, and luckily land on my feet. I shuffle lightly toward the Black's front door, and find that it's already open before I get to it.

"Jake's out Bella," I heard Billy's husky voice call from behind the door.

"Fine, I'll just wait in my truck. He's bound to be back sometime tonight," I say stubbornly, as I start the march back to my truck.

"Wait!" Billy called, as the door flew backwards.

"What do **you** want Bella?" Jacob's words were cold and harsh, and I felt my blood run cold. This was not _**my**_ Jacob. My Jacob had been replaced with this new, cold one. I didn't like this Jacob.

"I just—I wanted to know why you were dodging my calls," I spoke, with what was supposed to be confindance, but with the cold, hard smile that crossed Jacob's lips, I knew I had failed in that.

"You don't want to know why Bella. It would just upset you. Just leave," his voice was dark and cold, and I shivered from it.

"No!" there was my confindance, or maybe I was just pissed off.

"Bella, leave please, before I hurt you anymore," his fingers were now massaging his temples.

"Hurt me anymore? That isn't possible Jacob! My heart couldn't feel anymore pain, and me actually live through it. You promised me! You swore you wouldn't hurt me like _he_ did, but you did. All I want to know is why," I sniffed back the fresh batch of tears that wanted to fall. I would not cry.

He bowed his head, his hand on top of it, and for the first time I noticed that he had cut his hair. It was no longer long flowing black locks. Now it was short, a close cropped hair cut.

"I am sorry for that Bella, but there are reasons for everything. Sometimes though, those reasons aren't for everyone to know. Long story short, I can't—I won't tell you," he looked up, and for the first time, I actually saw a dangerous look in his deep brown eyes.

I shuddered from the look he gave me, and I realized that the though 'if-looks-could-kill' entered my mind. I shuddered for a second time, for the memory that those words congered up.

"I'm not leaving until I get some sort of explaination," I said finally, my arms crossed in front of my chest. I knew it was childish, but wasn't I entitled an explaination?

"Fine, you want an explaination!? Why don't you go find those bloodsuckers your so very fond of, and ask them why it is that I don't want to be around you!" he screamed, his face inches away from mine.

"What do they have to do about you and me?" I screamed back. I was really upset now. No, wait, that didn't even cover it. I was beyond pissed right now.

"Because, it's there fault that I'm—Nevermind. That's your explaination, you can go," he said, his voice held a tone of finality to it, and his hands shook severely at his sides.

I decided it was time to leave well enough alone.

"Fine Jake, if that's how you want it," I said, throwing my hands up in defeat.

My life had gone from near perfect, to shambles in less than a year. I felt as if my world was spinning in circles, and crumbling down around me all at the same time. If Jacob, and Billy, I would guess, wasn't watching me. I probably would have fell to the ground and wrapped my arms around my torso to keep the pieces together. Instead, I walked, with as much energy as I could summon, to my truck and finally let the tears fall.

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**Special Shout-Out thanks to:**

**ReLees**

**For the kind review. **

**That is the last you'll see of Jacob Black. **


	5. Chapter 5

**I know this chapter is a bit on the short side, but I figured that was not only the best way to end this chapter, but also the most fun :D I promise to update as quickly as I can though.**

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Chapter Five

Hate. I've been told it's a strong word. Well good, because I need a few good strong words right now. Hate describes a lot of aspects of my life right now. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate Jacob for hurting me, and leaving me. I want to hate _him_, but I can't. Why you might ask, I'll tell you why. Because of my stupid heart. So with that said, I hate my stupid heart, that still loves someone that it can't have.

So while hate might be a strong word, it's one that describes my life right now to a tee. I had no one, literally no one anymore. My dad hardly talks to me anymore, I have no friends at school. I have no Jake, and _he's _long gone. My mom has even stopped contacting me, or should I say, I stopped contacting her.

I guess I could say that most of the misery in my life was my own fault. I let _his_ leaving me, ruin every other relationship I had. Until I was left with nothing. Well all I can say is I hope _he's _happy with whatever _he's _doing.

Sniffing hard, I stop the tears before they have a chance to start. I don't want to go back home. Nothing waits for me there, expect for an empty lonely house. Who wants that? Not me. Instead, I open the door, and climb from the cab. Hoping that Jacob doesn't see me, and come back to verbally attack me again. I walk as swiftly as I am capable of without falling. Without realizing it, I'm standing on First Beach. I take a deep breath, and let it out. The smell of the salty water calms me down, even if just a little bit. I walk a little closer to the water, and see the driftwood bench I had sat on the first time I came to First Beach. I sat down, my knees pulled up to my chest, and my arms wrapped firmly around them, holding myself together.

I let a few lingering tears slip from my eyes, as I stare out at the blue water. It's quite a clear day, about as clear as it gets in Forks. If _he_ were still here, _he_ would be prisoner to _his_ house. I see _his_ perfect marble skin sparkling in the sunlight, and I feel the ache in my chest swell. I sniffed back the new batch of tears, not wanting to cry again when I heard a scream of joy coming from the woods just beside First Beach.

I sat for a moment, wondering if ti was worth my time and effort to see what the hell was going on. It didn't' even take a full minute for me to hear another cry of joy coming from the same direction. This sparked my interest so much more. Carefully, to insure I didn't fall on my clumsy ass, I stood up. I walked slowly toward the woods, following the path that I was certain the noises came from. Quickly, I reached the edge of a cliff that over looked First Beach. Had I come in the right direction?

"That was awesome Sam!" I heard someone say from the cliffs below.

'What the hell?' I thought to myself, as I eased closer to the edge of the cliff. Taking a deep breath, I looked down and saw five figures in the icy cold water below. Knowing almost immediately that they must have jumped from the cliff, into the water. I felt a shiver run the length of my spine. Who would do that? Why would you do that? I asked myself, before an idea popped into my mind. I wasn't happy. I needed something to bring back the happiness that I so missed. A smile, my first real smile in months, crossed my chapped and dry lips. I was going to cliff dive. I was going to probably end up in the emergency room, but it would be fun, and I'd be happy. I watched as the five figures swan in toward land, and walked up onto the sand. Now was my chance. I clamped my eyes shut, no need to see myself falling. I took a deep breath, and felt the edge of the cliff with my feet. I stopped suddenly as _his_ voice broke into my mind.

"_Don't do this Bella. Turn around. Go home. Back to Charlie." _

I sighed, I so missed that voice. It was almost as if I had been deaf, and hearing that musical sound gave me my hearing back. I smiled one last smile, as I flung myself off the cliff. I felt the wind whipping through my hair, opening my eyes for a minute I saw as the water came on quickly. I snapped my eyes shut quickly, and felt the water hit my skin. It burned, and not in a good way. I found that my breath was knocked out of me, and that I was now gasping for air, any kind of air. That's when I saw _him._ In all _his_ pale glory. _He_ smiled my favorite crooked smile, and in that instant I realized that I could now die a happy person. I closed my eyes tightly, and let the darkness overtake me.


	6. Chapter 6

**I know this is short, I'm sorry. I've had so much trouble writing this chapter. I promise the next one will be better and longer. This one is drawing in on a close. I might write a sequel if I get enough reviews wanting one. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

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Chapter Six

**Bella's Pov**

I felt at ease for the first time since _he _left. It was almost a magical feeling. Then, just as fast as it came on, I felt cold. Not just cold, I was freezing. It wasn't the same, good kind of cold that I felt when I was near him. No this was a bad, bone chilling cold. I could feel my teeth chattering. I could feel my body shaking. I just wanted to scream out. I wanted someone to give me a blanket at least. I could feel a slight warmness on my right side, so I knew that whoever had a hold of me, was naturally warm. My thoughts automatically went to Jacob, and how warm he tended to be—before he completely forgot that he was my friend of course. I could hear the faintness of voices, although I couldn't make out what they were saying. I tried to focus, using every ounce of energy I had on trying to make out what it was that they were saying. Finally, I caught a gimspe of what was being said.

"Bella please!" I heard the voice beg, growing slightly louder. I suddenly recognized the voice. It was Jacob.

I tried to pry my eyes open, to show them that I was okay, but no matter how hard I tried to push them open, they didn't move. So instead I tried to force my mouth open, to assure him that I was alive, but it was all futile as my mouth moved about as well as my eyes did.

"Is she breathing?" I heard someone else ask.

"Yeah, not well, but she's breathing," I heard Jacob answer.

"I think we need to get her to the hospital," I heard another voice say.

How many people were surrounding me right now? I probably didn't want to know the answer to that question.

I felt as the person holding me started moving. Although the movement felt faster than just a natural walk. It felt faster than even a brisk walk. It felt more like running. I wanted to laugh at the thought. Who could run while carrying a hundred and ten pound girl? Well besides my lost love, and the rest of his family, no one I knew could run with me in their arms—or on their backs for that matter. I wanted to go to sleep. To sleep forever. I was so exhausted, although surely Jacob thought I was asleep, or passed out—or worse. Hopefully once they got me to the hospital I'd get better. I'd be able to wake up—well visually wake up, at least. I just couldn't shake the thought of what if I never came out of—whatever the hell this is? What if I was stuck in my own mind? That would be a fate worse than death itself.

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**Edward's Pov**

I hated myself right now. I almost wish that it was easy for me to die, since that's all I wanted at this moment. It's killing me, not knowing what's going on with Bella. At the same time, I begged for Alice to leave her future alone. While I believe that she's listened to me, I almost wish that she hadn't. I just, all I wanted to know is if she was happy. I know I'm not, but I need to know that she's moved on. It will be the only thing to keep my strong. To keep me from running back to Forks, and begging her to forgive me.

I only left for her own good. It wasn't safe for her to be around me. No matter how badly I wanted her around me. I had to be the bigger person, 'ha! Person.' I had to be the one to say goodbye.

'_Edward. I know you told me to leave Bella's future alone—I think you need to here—or see this.'_

I growled. Not only because she did go against me, but because I was getting what I wanted. I would see that Bella had moved on, that she was happy. I should be happy for her. I should be, but I'm not. I'm a horrible monster, and I deserve nothing but death, but unfortunately death is not easy to come by for our kind. Maybe a trip to Volterra is in the cards for me. Maybe if I'm lucky, my life will end soon enough, as will the pain that fills my cold stone heart.

"What is it Alice?" I ask, as I stalk out of my room.

She stared back at me, letting her vision enter my mind, and I gasp, and growl.

"She jumped off a cliff!!?" I yelled at Alice, even though I knew it wasn't her fault.

"I didn't see her come up out of the water Edward--" her voice trailed off, she knew I'd pick up where she was headed.

"You think she's dead?" I asked her, really hoping she'd say no, even though I was certain she'd agree with me.

"I'm so sorry Edward," her wind chime voice broke me like I was glass.

"I have to go back. I have to see for myself," I said softly.

She just nodded her head in agreement. "Could I come to?"

I shook my head, as my arm wrapped around her shoulders. My body shook as I sobbed the only way our kind can. I could feel her body shaking, and knew that she was sobbing with me. My life was officially over. There was nothing left for me. Nothing worth more than Bella. She was my life, and now she's gone. What was I going to do now, without my love?


	7. Chapter 7

**Last chapter. Hope you've all enjoyed this one. **

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Chapter Seven

**Edward's POV**

I can feel a new wave of hysteria breaking into my endless thoughts. Two days is a long time to be unconscious. Carlisle had promised me numerous times that she would wake up. That I should just give her time. Time, ha, time is my enemy. I hate time. Time passes in an unbalanced way. Sometimes it's as if it flies by without leaving much of a mark showing that it passed at all. While other times it passes so slowly that you feel like your living in slow motion.

Time was differently dragging on now, and I was all but sick of it. I'm sick of time, but worst of all—I'm sick of myself. This, whole stupid thing was my fault. I should never have left her. Even if I thought I was doing it for her own good. It was wrong. I can see that now. If only I hadn't been a stupid over-protective fool before, I could have stopped this from ever happening.

Leaning forward, hearing a dry sob catch in my chest, I grab on of Bella's limp hands. I place it on my face, wishing that I could cry for her. That I could show her how the thought of losing her hurt me so deeply. I placed one of my stone cold hands over top of hers, making sure it stayed on my cheek.

"Bella please—I can't live in a world were you don't exist. I can't live without you--" my sentence trailed off, as I felt a whole new wave of blind hysteria taking over. My body was shaking, but no sound came out, no tears fell from my eyes. I felt hopeless, and useless. I felt like I was only making her life worse by sitting, trying to beckon her out of whatever kind of unconsciousness had claimed her.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything. You are my reason for being. Why I am here. I see that now. Please Bella, open your eyes. Please," I begged her.

My eyes wondered from her head to her toes, looking for any sign of movement, of acknowledgment. I saw her finger twitch, and then nothing. Not one more movement, but that was more movement then I had seen her make in two days.

"_She'll wake Edward,"_ Alice's thoughts interrupted my reverie.

"I do believe that—I just wish I could _do_ something to help her," I sighed, as I felt Alice slipping her arms around my neck, squeezing me tightly.

"She'll come around soon. I can feel it. I can't see it—thanks to her new friend, but I can feel it. I promise Edward, she'll be fine," she said, giving me one of her sweet smiles that always made me feel better. Alice truly was a god-send for a sister.

"Thanks Alice," I smiled softly back at her.

"Not a problem—even though I don't know what I did," she said, her face holding a sheepish expression.

"For being here—for being yourself. You truly are a wonderful sister," I knew I told her all the time how much I appreciated her, but I needed her to know just how much I appreciated her.

"You never need to thank me for that Edward. Being there for you—and the rest of the family, that's one of the reasons I'm here," her words were so painstakingly honest that I felt as it cut into me.

I didn't get to say anything else, as she kissed the top of my head before basically dancing out of Bella's room. I smiled softly, as what Alice had said still rang in my head. Then one of her sentences stood out more than the rest.

'_Thanks to her new friend.'_

I remember, during one of the many times Charlie had screamed at me for hurting Bella. For leaving. For being the monster he doesn't truly know that I am. That he mentioned her new friend, Jacob Black. I knew the last name had sounded familiar when he spoke, but it wasn't until now that I realized who he was. He was Ephraim Black's grandson—and if Alice can't "see" Bella waking up that means—I could feel the rumble of a snarl rising in my chest, but I fought it down. No reason to alarm anyone. Just because Bella—my darling Bella is best friends with a werewolf. No reason to be alarmed.

I threw my head into my hands. All of this was my fault, and I had put her life in more danger by leaving, then I did by staying with her.

"Bella—I know your in there. I'm almost certain you can hear. I just—I need you to know that I'm so very sorry for this—for everything. Please—I'm begging for you to just open your beautiful eyes," I could hear my voice break in a very uncharacteristically way.

"_She will my son. She will wake up. I promised you that—didn't I?" _This time Carlisle's thoughts broke into mine. I sighed before a small smile crossed my lips.

"Yes, you did. It's just—she's so still."

"Well, let me run a test really quick, it'll tell us just how 'still' she's being," he said, as he went to the monitor that had wires hooked to her head.

He pushed a couple of buttons, as the machine pushed out a thin sheet of paper. He smiled in an encouraging way.

"This is great news Edward," he was beaming. I've never in my 108 years of life, ever seen Carlisle so—ecstatic about anything. "Her brain function has risen quite a bit today. She should wake up very soon son."

Those were the words that I needed. I looked at him, for the first in two days, with hope in my eyes. I moved my chair closer to Bella's bed, holding on of her hands in mine and was ready to wait.

"Edward—what if--" he broke off, knowing that I knew what he was going to ask.

"If she doesn't want me, then I will leave her be. I promised her that if she ever got tired of me that I would leave her to live her own life. I won't leave her unless it's what _she_ wants though. I can't—I won't hurt her again. Never again."

"I know that son, and I believe you."

With that he was gone. I smiled softly at Bella, willing that she would just open her eyes. That she'd smile, or blush. That she'd just be alright. I bore my black eyes into her closed one, hoping that they'd pop open. After what seemed like a few seconds, I watched her eyelids twitch, before popping open.

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**Bella's POV**

I could hear, and feel the pain behind every word that Edward said. I wish I could just tell him that I'm here. That I can hear every little word that he's saying. That his broken voice was causing me so much pain. I wish I could just open my eyes for him. I tried to shove them open, but still I couldn't get them to move an inch.

I suddenly realized that Edward wasn't the only one in my room. I knew immediately that it was Carlisle. My heart swelled at the sound of his angelic voice. I knew that if Carlisle was here, then so was the rest of my future family. Now if only I could get my eyes and mouth to work correctly again, everything would be back to normal—or well as normal as it can. What with Jake no longer talking to me. I felt a stab of pain in my heart at the last words he said to me.

I grunted, frustrating taking over, although I knew that my visitors wouldn't hear my grunt. I heard it. I tried my hardest to pull my eyelids apart, but they wouldn't budge. It was beyond frustrating now. I heard Carlisle say something, but I didn't quite catch it. Suddenly it was quiet, except for Edward's needless breathing. I felt his hand clasp around mine, and I used every ounce of energy that I had in me to pull on my eyelids, and suddenly a bright light was in my eyes.

I blinked them quickly a few times, afraid that if I closed them I won't get them open again. That when I saw him. In all his glorious beauty. Sitting still as statue beside me. I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, to insure that it too would work before trying to say something.

"Edward?" I asked, knowing how stupid it sounded. Since I clearly knew he was there.

"I'm here Bella. My sweet, sweet Bella," his voice was breaking in that painful way again, and I felt the tears flooding my eyes as he bent down and kissed my forehead.

"I'm so sorry Edward," I cried, and felt him stiffen slightly.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one at fault here—not you. I'm the one that hurt you. That left you. In my 108 years of living, leaving you is the biggest mistake I've ever made," I heard the pain in his voice, and all I wanted was for that pain to go away.

"No!" I tried to make it sound forceful, but my throat was dry and parched. It came out more like a whisper. "I jumped off the cliff. That was all me. I was mad, and upset. I got into a huge fight with Jake—and I just—I needed something to take my mind off it. It was stupid, and reckless and I never should have done it."

"Please Bella," he groaned, as the pain flashed into his eyes. "Do not blame yourself. This is all me. Please grasp that Bella, please. Don't try to make me feel less like the monster I know I am."

"That's right, you are a monster," I heard Charlie's voice boom from the doorway. "You will take the blame for this."

"Dad!" still just a whisper. "Leave him alone." I pleaded. I didn't have the energy to argue with the both of them.

"I'll be back in a few minutes, he'd better be gone."

With that, Charlie stalked down the hall.

"You won't leave—right?" I asked, trying to force the new lump in my throat down.

"Never. Not unless it's what _you_ want," he said, his voice held the promise that he was trying to stress.

"Never. I could never not want you." I made my own promise.

"Forever." he added.

"Always." I said before he kissed my forehead again.


End file.
